


let me live in a daydream with you

by phanqueray



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (a lot too), Amnesia, Angst, Flashbacks, Fluff, M/M, aight look idk medical stuff, lots of it hehe, this has a lot of inaccuracies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-31 00:37:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12664719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanqueray/pseuds/phanqueray
Summary: In a long bittersweet flashback, Dan relives his memories for the last 8 years. In real life, Phil feels like he’s drowning.





	let me live in a daydream with you

**Author's Note:**

> hi plz rmr that this is all fiction aight :-) i am not a good researcher huhu

PRESENT DAY

 

Everything was dark and dull and Dan couldn’t feel anything. 

Maybe, just maybe, he’s dead.

 

_ A MONTH AND 27 DAYS AGO _

 

_ Dan pats his front pocket again and lets out the panicked breath he’s holding. It’s still there, the plan is still on track.  _

_ Nervous. He is incredibly nervous.  _

_ Tonight is the night, the night he marked on his calendar. He’s gonna propose to Pip, to the dork he has loved for 8 years and counting. His heart is beating so crazy fast. He’s grinning so much. _

_ Special. This night is special. _

_ Their flat is decorated too, candles lighting the dim room. Their coffee table is pushed to the side and Dan is using a chromecast to project a false feeling of their favorite place, the Skybar.  _

_ Dan wants this moment to them alone, with nobody watching.  _

_ He hears the door open and close and he gets ready, straightening his suit and adjusting his bowtie. He lets out a shaky breath when Phil enters the room, holding some groceries.  _

_ His boyfriend freezes, dropping his newly bought groceries. “What’s all this?” He asks, scanning the room. _

_ Dan lets out a sigh, taking out the velvet box from his breast pocket and kneels down. _

_ “Holy shit.” Phil says, staring at Dan with the look he has given to him for almost a decade. _

_ “Language.” Dan says, watching Phil’s tongue peak out when he laughed. _

_ “Shut the fuck up, Howell.” _

_ “Anyways,” Dan takes a deep, like really deep, breath. “Here I go.” _

_ Phil stands there, in awe and surprise. _

_ “Philip ‘Pip’ Lester--” _

_ Phil giggles. _

_ “8 years ago today, we met for the first time in Manchester. I was so nervous and afraid that you wouldn’t like me. But you toured me around the city, kissed me in the Manchester eye. 8 years ago today, I probably wouldn’t think of proposing to you yet here I am.” _

_ Phil has his hands covering his nose and mouth. _

_ “I love you, Phil. I’ve said that a thousand times, I know but I’m just madly in love with you. More than man can imagine. You’re my soulmate--God, this is getting cheesy--” _

_ “Go on,” Phil says, wiping his tears and laughing, “these things are supposed to be cheesy.” _

_ “Fuck, Phil. My god.” Dan’s tearing up too. He didn’t expect to. _

_ “Anyways,” Phil starts. _

_ “Anyways,” Dan laughs, “I’ll ask you what you asked me 6 years ago: Will you marry me?” _

_ Phil pauses and Dan’s heart skips a beat. “I will spend the rest of my life with you, Dan Howell.” _

_ Dan’s about to stand up when Phil stops him and puts his hands on his shoulders.  _

_ “I wanna do what Chandler and Monica did, okay?” _

_ Dan laughs, loud and obnoxious. “You’re such a dork.” _

_ “And you’re marrying me.” Phil kneels too, pressing his palms on Dan’s cheeks and playing with his hair.  _

_ “I fucking love you, Dan Howell.” _

_ And Dan feels like he’s dreaming. _

  
  


_ 8 MONTHS AGO _

 

_ Dan can’t stop looking at Phil. Nothing new. _

_ He looks very pale, prettily pale. Dan is so annoyed whenever Phil says he hates his skin and how he can’t wear pastel clothes because he’ll be invisible. Dan thinks it’s bullshit, even if they joke about it on camera. His white skin is fucking breathtaking when the lights of the aquarium drench his features in artificial light. _

_ He’s too busy looking at each freckle he’s seen for the past eight years to realize that Phil wants to take a selfie with the fishes. He takes his phone out of his front pocket and switches the camera on.  _

_ Their surroundings feel like a murmur, like a soft, undetailed reality. The only thing Dan can hear is Phil spouting every fact he knows about the fish. He can’t decipher why the 3 year old behind them is crying or what the kid thinks about the first whale he saw. He seems to just focus on Phil, on his blue eyes, pale skin tone, and his soft lips. _

_ He places the camera in front of them and Dan makes his best ‘danisnotonfire, soon to be danielhowell, smile’. The one that made him not show his teeth and made a smug smirk appear. Sometimes it’s cute and innocent, other times, it’s just plain fuckboy-ish. _

_ Phil pinches his arm. _

_ “Ouch.” Dan whispers. _

_ “We won’t post this.” Phil whispers back, finding Dan’s hand and intertwining his fingers between the gaps they both know so well.  _

_ “Why not?”  _

_ “Because I miss your teeth.”  _

_ “You see them all the time.” _

_ “No, I don’t.” _

_ Fine, Dan thinks, putting on whatever smile he can find before pressing click. _

_ Phil didn’t do his online persona’s smile either. His eyes has wrinkles around them and his lips made a grin so lovingly, Dan feels as if he hasn’t seen it in a long time. Maybe he hasn’t. Maybe they were never as happy as they are right now. _

_ Holding hands with the love of his life, listening to whatever he has to say about marine life, surrounded by water soaked sunlight; if you asked Dan from eight years ago that this is where he would be, he probably wouldn’t have believed you. He didn’t even think his relationship with Phil would last half a year. _

 

PRESENT DAY

 

12:46 pm

 

Phil receives a phone call after he was done cooking pasta. He has the plates ready with the dish freshly cooked in the middle of their dining table . It was made with groceries he got just earlier that day. The phone began to ring; it echoed around the house. He’s alone, Dan was out.

He dries his hands on his apron and grabs the phone. He places it on his shoulder and presses it to his ear. He gets their forks and places it on the sides of their plates. 

“Hello?” Phil asks, moving around their dining area.

“Philip Lester?”

The voice isn’t familiar. It’s hoarse and soft, saying his name with caution rolling over her tongue. Phil switches the phone to his other ear and responds with a “Yes?”

 

1:32 pm

 

He’s at the hospital. After he got the news, he threw his apron on a chair, grabbed his phone, and hopped into a cab with the most indifferent face he can muster. 

Inside, he’s  _ terrified _ . He was so scared that his fingers were shaking. He’s so scared, he bit his lips until he tasted blood. The cab wasn’t fast enough for his thoughts. He wants to see him and see that he’s okay. He might throw up.

Phil sits in the waiting room, his hand fiddling with his phone. The lights of the vending machine shines on his face, illuminating on his lips. He puts his head in his hands, covering his mouth and nose. He’s trembling. Every part of his body is shaking, but he isn’t crying. His voice isn’t cracking. His mind is so twisted into a knot that he doesn’t know what emotions he’s feeling. 

He hears the door of the room open and his head snaps to that direction. He’s biting his lips again when he saw the doctor.

The doctor strides across the room, every eye staring at her. She sighs and walks past Phil, making his heart drop to the floor. 

The door opens again and this time, Phil knows who it is.

PJ is wearing a bright red shirt and black jeans. His eyes behind his glasses scanned the room and rests at Phil. When they made eye contact, Phil just lost it. 

He’s bawling his eyes out. He’s grabbing PJ’s shirt and dampening it with his tears. It’s like a waterfall. Phil can’t stop crying and whimpering and hoping that Dan’s okay. He’s hoping that he’s alright and that he isn’t dead. For Christ’s sake, anything but  _ dead _ .

 

_ 1 YEAR AND 1 MONTH AGO _

_ “I think it was a bad idea to watch horror so late.” Dan says quietly, fully knowing Phil wouldn’t be awake at 3:30 am.  _

_ He resorts to looking at the ceiling. He stares at the glow in the dark stars that they stuck and kept hidden from their audience. Dan thought they were stupid and lame. But now it makes him feel warm, like a slow sunset in his chest. They were supposed to arrange them as constellations, but they had no idea how and just placed a star in random spots. Regret never felt sweet.  _

_ He gets bored and looks at the dark room, only lit by a crack in the blinds and the moon shining down on an insignificant patch of carpet. He can see the outlines on their furniture, placed in the same spot when they first moved in. Most of them, at least. The room is oddly monochromatic and slow; it’s splashed with shades of gray and the dust stopped moving. _

_ Phil stirs beside him and Dan gets his phone from the bedside table. He can’t sleep because of his fear of demon ghosts. How pathetic.  _

_ He feels like a child with his fear of vampires and monsters lurking under his bed. The lack of lights doesn’t help him from spiraling, scrolling through twitter on halloween isn’t good either. His feed is full of jumpscares and scary stories that he can’t help but read.  _

_ Demon. Ghosts. Devils. Poorly written creepypastas.  _

_ They all scared him. _

_ He decides to get Phil’s phone and play with it for a while. He ends up in voice memos, eyeing every reminder he recorded even though he knew fully well his boyfriend doesn't check it. He records a sappy memo before returning it to the bedside table.  _

_ “Dan,” He hears someone whisper, making him yelp and sit up. _

_ It was just Phil. _

_ Phil turns on the light and sits up too. “Jesus, are you okay?” _

_ Dan scratches the back of his neck, looking at the end of the duvet, fearing a face of a small asian child from a well to pop out of nowhere. _

_ “Yeah,” Dan exhales, grabbing Phil’s hand for a sense of security. “Just worked out from that movie.” _

_ “Sorry.” Phil mumbles, pecking his cheek and wrapping his arms around Dan’s shoulders. Dan asked Phil to do that before. He’s embarrassed that Phil knows what to do in a situation like this. A 25 year old afraid of the supernatural? That's just sad.  _

_ “It’s not your fault. I just hate my brain sometimes.” _

_ In response, Phil kisses his temple, drumming his fingers on Dan’s chest. _

_ “It’s irrational.” _

_ “That’s fine.” _

_ “I’m stupid.” _

_ “Shut up. You’re not.” _

_ “Just agree with me.” _

_ “You don’t agree when I say that about horses.” _

_ Dan glances at Phil, who has his head rested on his shoulder. He can see some freckles. _

_ “I’m here. I’m always gonna be here.” Phil says, letting go of Dan’s shoulders and closing the lamp. He pats Dan’s spot after lying down again. _

_ Dan dozes off to the scent of Phil: baked goods and butter.   _

_ 1 YEAR AND 6 MONTHS AGO _

_ “Happy birthday, love.” Phil kisses Dan’s lips sloppily after Dan blows out his one, lonely candle. _

_ They’re tipsy. _

_ “I think we drank too much at the limo.” Dan says, his voice low. _

_ “You don’t have to whisper,” Phil holds Dan’s hand and makes their shoulders touch. He’s looking at him and he’s looking back. He has this lopsided grin that makes Dan’s heart go fast. Their stare was over before Dan knew it and Phil is now looking at the empty halls of the reserved resaurant. _

_ Dan chuckles. “But I want to.” _

_ His mumbles seem to echo around them. Was the room that empty or is he going insane? _

_ “Whatever.” Phil says, kissing his boyfriend’s cheek. _

_ They shared Dan’s cake slice. It’s vanilla with ice cream on top. They dug in like a bunch of animals and couldn’t stop laughing at how desperate they must’ve looked. The cake isn't bad, they just really like sharing. _

_ “The limo will be picking us up at 10. Is there anything you wanna do in those 15 minutes?” Phil puts his phone on the table. _

_ It’s surprising, the way Phil meticulously planned each step of Dan’s birthday. He never does that. He’s an impulsive guy, from buying a dog that they had to give away to buying Dan flowers on random nights and making him go on dates out of nowhere. Maybe it was about a really important anniversary for something and Dan just forgets. He has terrible memory. _

_ “I want more champagne.” Dan requests, doing a soft ‘hehe’ as he looks at Phil’s fake-horrified face. _

_ “Y’know that I’m paying for all of this, right?” _

_ “And you know that I’m joking.” _

_ They let silence fall onto them for a moment. Making the lights and candles sketch a romantic scenery around them.  _

 

_ 2 YEARS AND 7 MONTHS AGO _

_ They spent most of the night silently sipping red wine in the corners of people’s vlogs. They don’t like being in vlogs about parties. They always hold hands and be extremely close to each other at parties, being the introverts that they are. The loud music and people holding up cameras, smiling so artificially, made both of them uneasy and awkward.  _

_ They spent the night scouring their friend’s flat, hoping that, in this entire duplex, they can be together privately. They could laugh as honest as they can without any cameras watching. They want to be alone. _

_ They’re massive dicks, Dan knows that. He thinks it’s rude to leave so early into the night, but he’s not too polite not to fuck in a random bedroom they just found. Kissing wasn’t enough. Making out in hallways always interrupted them with people showing the internet how fun and exciting their lives are. Dan grew hungry throughout the night. _

_ They finally found a room with a lock. Dan barely had a chance to shut the door. The once empty room now filled with Dan and Phil’s groans and mumbles. It’s dark and Dan spends 3 whole minutes searching for a light switch because he can’t get his hands off Phil.  _

_ They both feasted on each other after Phil kissed Dan, hard, after he drank a whole wine glass of  _ _ rosé. God, it felt relieving. _

 

_ * _

 

_ Their clothes are now scattered on the floor. Their hands are glued together as their shoulders touch and their smiles are wide. Dan looks at Phil, who has half of his face covered with a white blanket.  _

_ The room is silent. Their voices are hoarse and Dan feels like he could just melt into the bed.  _

_ He checks the time: 1:26 am. _

_ Dan sighs, tapping Phil’s freckled shoulder and asking, “Should we leave?” _

_ Phil laughs. “We’re assholes.” _

_ Dan kisses his lips. “We are the worst.” _

  
  


2 DAYS LATER

 

Car crash. 

_ Coma _ . 

The word echoes everywhere since the doctor said it. It echoed when he first sat in Dan’s room, looking at his heart monitor as its beeps fill the hollow air. It echoed when he was getting lunch in the cafeteria yesterday. It haunts him and looms over him wherever he goes in the hospital.

Phil sits still as he looks at Dan, mouth full of words he doesn’t want to spill. If he says anything, he might start crying again. As an alternative, he holds his fiance’s hand, smiling when he sees the ring on his finger. 

The door of the room opens and Phil quickly lets go of Dan’s hand, standing up. Dan’s mom greets him with a hug and a smile, the wrinkles visible beside her eyes. Dan’s dad is friendly too, patting Phil on the back with a huff. Phil scoots to the side for them to look at their son. 

Phil excuses himself and, in his surprise, ends up in front of the hospital church. He doesn’t believe in God, much less pray. But he goes inside, the solemness of the interior catching him off guard. The whole hospital is downright stressful, but this place is somehow an exception. 

He kneels and puts his hands together, elbows resting on the pew. His lips kiss his thumbs as he looks at the gigantic cross at the center of the altar. He observes it, traces every path the fake blood of the fake Jesus goes to, looks at the face of someone who’s about to die. He pours his heart out in a prayer that isn’t really a prayer. He vents and rants and talks about his problems even if he knows no one is listening. He doesn’t speak a word yet his eyes sting from tears, his cheek wet from his grief. 

He goes back to the room and Dan’s parents are sitting beside the patient, saying reassuring things in the most soft voice they can make. Phil feels like he’s interrupting and when Dan’s dad locked eyes with him, he retreats outside.

  
  


_ 4 YEARS, 3 MONTHS _

 

_ “You left your contacts on the tap, again.” Dan huffed, putting on his coat and avoiding looking at his boyfriend as he shuffles from the door. _

_ “Sorry,” Phil says, grabbing Dan’s arm and squeezing it. “I’ll get it next time.” _

_ Dan didn’t intend to be heard when he said, “You said that last time,” under his breath. _

_ Phil stops his tracks and looks at Dan, eyebrows furrowed. “What was that?” _

_ “You said that last time, Phil. Practice what you fucking preach.” Dan didn’t mean to make his voice so loud. _

_ “Excuse me?” Phil shuts the door behind him. Maybe Dan’s imagining it, but he can hear the echoes ring in his ears. _

_ “You don’t keep your promises, Phil. You never--” _

_ “Because I just forgot to get my contacts?”  _

_ “No, it’s not just that!” Dan says, stomping to the kitchen like a child throwing a tantrum. He’s pissed, so fucking pissed. _

_ “Then what, Dan?” _

_ “You know fucking what, Phil.” He sounds sharp, like a knife of a murderer. _

_ “I don’t. I honestly fucking don’t.” _

_ “Our date.” _

_ Phil opens his mouth and makes a laugh that turns Dan into mush. It was deadly, forced, and unnaturally loud. “I was just a few minutes late--” _

_ “Because you overslept.” _

_ Phil throws his hands up in the air. _

_ “Because you--”Dan points at Phil’s chest--” couldn’t bother setting up a goddamn alarm.” _

_ “That was weeks ago, Dan!” _

_ “We haven’t gone out for a long time, Phil. But you were just too irresponsible to set up a fucking alarm.” _

_ They are at the lounge now, Dan swears he can feel the room moving, shaking in anger. Strange, he thought, but irrelevant at the moment. _

_ “I’m surprised you even remember me.” He doesn’t mean that. _

_ Phil stands stiff, arms to his side like a mannequin. _

_ “I’m surprised I even tolerated you for three fucking years!” He doesn’t mean that. _

_ And the room shattered, like glass. _

_ He feels like the memory itself is  _ disappearing _. _

 

3 DAYS LATER

 

“Thought I’d find you here.” Phil hears PJ say as the door of the rooftop of the hospital shuts behind him. 

Phil exhales, the smell of nicotine being pumped to the atmosphere. He turns to his friend and smiles, putting his cigarette between his lips.

“You know me so well, Peej.” Phil says, smoke appearing in front of PJ, who stands beside him.

“Cut it out.” PJ says, taking Phil’s addiction from his lips and flicking it to the street below. Phil hears him mutter, “It’s disgusting.”

“You’re the one who came here. I wasn’t annoying anybody.” Phil retaliates, looking at the sun set, the sky turning a warm orange.

PJ nudges him.

“Sorry.” Phil mumbles, fumbling with his fingers for the sake of doing something. He scratches the back of his neck.

“Did Louise leave already?” Phil asks.

“Yeah. Though, she was looking for you. You disappeared, I barely see you in the room anymore.” 

Phil hasn’t left the building since he first went inside. He’s been living off vending machine candy bars and overpriced cafeteria bullshit. He doesn’t want to interact with other people, even if they’re his friends. The only people he’s talked to for the past few days are Dan’s doctor, PJ, and his unresponsive fiance.

“Trust me,” Phil starts, getting his pack and spinning it with his fingertips, “I’m gonna be the first to know when he wakes up.”

PJ nods, “Alright.”

 

_ 5 YEARS AND 4 MONTHS AGO _

 

_ “So, Dan,” Phil points his video camera to his boyfriend’s face. “How about we film our day in the life today? How does that sound?” He does a little laugh.  _

_ Dan puts his bowl on the counter, beside his empty cereal box. He doesn’t turn to Phil when he sharply says, “I just want to eat breakfast, babe. Put that away.” _

_ He hears a click and a sigh. _

_ Halfway through breakfast, Phil breaks their tensed silence with a dreaded question.  _

_ “Why do you hate me whenever I turn the camera on?” _

_ Dan looks at the person across him and furrows his eyebrows. “Hate? What do you mean?” _

_ Phil leans backward, fumbling with an empty cigarette box. Dan doesn’t know how recent the emptiness is, _

_ “You’re distant and mean and you act weird.” _

_ Dan loses his appetite and crosses his arms, leaning back. “What do you mean by weird, Phil?” _

_ “You know what I mean.” Phil says. _

_ Dan presses his lips into a thin line. He leans forward and starts eating his cereal again, resulting to Phil rolling his eyes. “Do we have to have this fight so early in the morning?” _

_ “I’m just asking a question. I didn’t think it would become a fight.” _

_ “I haven’t been distant, Phil.” _

_ “Humor me.” _

_ Dan glares at Phil. _

_ Phil sighs, “Look, you can talk to me, okay? If there’s something wrong, just tell me, Dip.” _

_ “Nothing’s wrong. What the hell is ‘Dip’?” _

_ Phil shrugs. “Stupid nickname. Stop changing the subject.” _

_ Dan eats the last of his cereal. _

_ “Is there something wrong?”  _

_ Under his breath, with his softest sigh, Dan says, “Maybe.” _

_ Everything becomes blurry and unreal, like a lucid dream. Dan blinks. And blinks. And blinks again. _

_ “What’s happening?” He whispers, before realizing Phil’s gone. He disappeared, like dust in a spring day.  _

_ “Shit.” Dan mumbles. “Am I forgetting you?” _

  
  


1 WEEK LATER

 

“You look awful.”

Phil flips through his book.

“I’m taking you home.” PJ says, putting on his coat.

 

*

 

The car ride is just Phil looking out the window, in typical melancholy movie scene fashion, watching the buildings zoom in and out of his focus. He has his earphones on, listening to a playlist he made months ago. He only hears a few seconds of each song before skipping to another. 

Music gets boring, he checks his voice memos just for fun. 

He’s not surprised when all of the memos is just Dan telling him to stop eating his cereal. He does a tiny giggle to each one, replaying it at least thrice before moving on to the next. There is one that made his heart flip over. 

It starts out with a few seconds of silence before Dan’s hushed voice floods his ears. “Hey, Pip. You’re asleep right now but I can’t sleep right now so--I don’t know what this is gonna be but--whatever.”

“I really like you--that’s an understatement--I love you, Pip. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you and our corgi, in our cheesy forever home. I know you won’t listen to this because you never open your voice memos but if you do, I love you, Pip. I’m just rambling and it’s 2 am but I just fucking love you.”

  
  


*

 

Phil bumps into their neighbor while unlocking their flat. She greets him with a smile and asks how he’s been but Phil can only grin so weakly before going inside without a word. 

Cold. That’s how it feels.

Ice cold and empty. 

The pasta he’d cooked is now spoiled. He dumps his cooking in the trash and puts the bowl in the sink. 

He navigates his way through their home, kitchen then the lounge. When he opened the lights to their living room, he almost cried again, seeing the parts of the Christmas tree they were supposed to assemble scoured all over the floor.

Good thing they didn’t have a dog. Phil would’ve killed it already anyways.

He goes to the bathroom and showers for the first time in a week. He brushes his teeth, gets some clean pajamas, and closes his bedroom door, the lights off.

He’s not hungry but he checks the fridge.

There’s nothing to eat, or maybe he just doesn’t have any appetite. He closes all the lights and heads down the hall.

Phil takes a deep breath before opening the door to Dan’s room. The moon room, as they like to call it. He flips the switch and takes in the monochromatic aesthetic Dan designed. He strides across the room slowly, not wanting to touch anything. 

He snuggles into the bed, getting a whiff of the scent he has memorized for the past 8 years. He looks at the black and white duvet, the iconic bedsheet. God, he feels like he’s drowning in Dan’s arms.

Phil opens his phone and dials the number he’s memorized in the back of his head. 

Beep.

“Fuck, Dan.” Phil whispers to no one. “Please come back.”

End.

He falls asleep with the lights turned on.

 

_ 6 YEARS AND 1 MONTH AGO _

 

_ “I’ve been in love with you for 2 years,” Phil says, smiling, squeezing Dan’s hand. “Will you marry me?” _

_ Dan stares at Phil with his mouth hanging. This is out of the blue, even for Phil ‘Let’s run away for a week’ Lester. Dan thought he’s getting the hang of Phil’s surprises but this just popped in the middle of their movie date, while Dan is crying because of the unraveling plot.  _

_ “Phil,” Dan starts before blowing his nose and pressing pause on the remote. “That’s not something you ask halfway through Wall-E.” _

_ Dan leaves their cuddle position to face his boyfriend. “Also, god, that really shocked me.” _

_ “Really? Why did you think I was blabbering about my love for you.” _

_ “I don’t know,” Dan grips his hand, “I thought you were just a sappy bitch.” _

_ “So, is that a no?” _

_ Dan nods. _

_ Phil mimics his nod. “Are we breaking up then?” _

_ Dan shakes his head. “Oh god, no.” _

_ “No?”  _

_ Dan cups Phil’s hands in his and smiles. “Let’s try again in a few years. But I’m 20 right now and I’m not ready, okay? Let’s just restart.” _

_ Phil nods. “Alright.” _

_ They resume their movie. Phil kisses Dan’s forehead and holds his hand tightly.  _

 

_ * _

 

_ “Hey, babe.” Phil’s voice sounds distant. “Are you okay?” _

_ “Not really,” Dan says, watching the whole scenery fade into black. _

_ “Why?” _

_ Listening to his voice echo in the nothingness, he whispers, “‘Cause I’m losing you.” _

 

_ 8 YEARS AND 1 MONTH AGO _

 

_ He’s real. Phil Lester is actually real. _

_ He’s here, in front of an 18 year old Dan, smiling and blushing and existing. He’s saying something that Dan’s ears refuse to listen to. He’s laughing because he knows Dan’s zoning out. He’s here and Dan is gonna cry. _

_ He’s wearing a blue flannel, a black bag at his side. His hair is so big, making Dan try to track its ginger root. He has freckles, light but noticeable up close. He’s paler than Dan imagines. Dan didn’t expect to meet such colorful eyes, either. _

_ “I can’t believe you’re actually here.” Dan interrupts Phil’s sentence, making the boy laugh. _

_ His laugh makes his heart twist and turn. It’s hurting in his chest.  _

_ “You’re the one who took the train,” Phil chuckles. “I was waiting for an hour, hoping you weren’t some old creepy guy.” _

_ Dan grins, “I was hoping that too. You’re way more attractive in person too.” _

_ “Well, webcams are shitty.” _

_ They both laugh and suddenly, they’re all alone in the train station. _

_ Dan furrows his eyebrows but Phil seems unfazed. _

_ “I’ve got a whole day planned. I’m gonna tour you around the city.” Phil giggles, his tongue peeking out his lips. He takes Dan’s hand and pulls him to where the exit is. _

_ “No,” Dan stops his tracks, grabbing Phil’s bag. _

_ Phil glances to him, a polite smile on his face. “What do you mean?” _

_ Dan has tears in his eyes when the train station disappeared into a black nothing. It’s just them, alone, disappearing together. _

_ Dan kisses Phil on the lips, tasting every bit of Phil he has tasted for the past 8 years.  _

_ “This isn’t how this memory goes.” Phil says, giggling, cupping Dan’s face and wiping his tears. _

_ “I’m sorry.” Dan says, kissing Phil again, feeling his freckled face. _

_ “About what?” _

_ “I realized too late.” Dan explains, choking through sobs. “I could’ve stopped it.” _

_ “This isn’t your fau--” _

_ “I could’ve stopped you from disappearing, Pip. Please, don’t leave me all alone.” _

_ Phil smiles, softly, the smile that made Dan fall so hard. The smile that made Dan’s heart beat out of his chest with the thought of Phil being his.  _

_ “I’m not going anywhere, Dip.” _

_ Dan goes for a kiss before Phil dissolves. _

 

8 DAYS LATER

 

5:24 am

 

Dan wakes up.

 

9: 48 am

 

Phil wakes up to the sound of his ringtone.

He blinks before realizing he’s in his fiance’s bed, drowning in the gray duvet. The room is filled with sunlight as the aftermath of a sunrise. It gives Phil a sense of warmth--a sense of Dan--so early in the morning. 

After the 4th ring of his phone, he picks up.

“Hey,Phil.”

“Hey, PJ.” Phil says, rolling in the bed, looking for the clock.

“Dan’s awake.”

“What?” Phil stands up and starts looking for some clothes, still in Dan’s room.

“Yeah, but remember to eat bre--”

Phil hangs up, his heart beating out of his chest. Dan’s awake, alive, breathing on his own. He’s gonna cry when he sees him again.

 

10:05 am

 

He meets PJ in the hospital lobby, dressed in a black ‘sexual fantasies’ jumper and black leggings.

PJ looks surprised at his new look, raising one eyebrow and scoffing. “When did you become Dan?”

“I miss him, okay?” Phil says, looking around frantically.

“Did you eat breakfast, at least?”

Phil shakes his head. He’s greeted with a Snickers bar in front of him, courtesy of PJ. He takes a bite and finishes the whole thing when they arrive in front of Dan’s door. Phil’s sweating and smiling. He’s so fucking excited. 

His heart is beating out of his chest when he opens the door, staring at Dan, who’s sitting upright and is being checked up by his doctor. 

“Hi there, Mr. Lester--”

Phil cuts him short when he hugs Dan, feeling his back and sniffing his hair, even though he smells like a hospital. 

“Oh, I’ve missed you, Dip.” Phil lets go and cups Dan’s face, his thumb tracing each freckle.

In Dan’s silence, time moves slowly, like they’ve been dumped in honey. The room sits still, the doctor confused and PJ leaning on the door frame, smile evident. The sky outside is a pastel blue, with one lonely cloud in the sky.

And then Dan shakes his head.

And Phil’s smile falters.

“I’m so sorry,” Dan says, taking Phil’s hands and returning them to his side, “I don’t know who you are.”

“Oh,” Phil steps back.

“Shit,” He hears PJ say, before he leaves the room, his ears ringing and tears seeping into his eyes.

Blink! Blink! His mind says. But now, he’s crying on the staircase, his ring on the floor. His chest hurts, his eyes won’t get dry, his hands shake so much, he might punch something. 

PJ is in front of him, holding his shoulder, telling him it’s gonna be okay.

But it’s not, and Phil knows it. Nothing is okay. He just lost the love of his life.

But the love of his life is alive.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> eyo hey yea im soz


End file.
